MONTY: It's not the agency it's the diver

It’s interesting going on dive trips now, because everyone treats me nicely as they don’t want to be slagged off next month (Scotty, I promise I won’t mention the toilet incident).

I do feel that I’ve tiptoed round the big issues, though. Like the new kid at school, I’ve stayed on safe ground by ploughing a non-controversial furrow, partly because I don’t like to really get stuck into anyone (except for those Japanese who are hunting humpbacks again – you, gentlemen, are the lowest of the low), and partly because if you mess up in the offices of DIVE, you get put in a lightly pressurised container for a day, then abruptly released. As you jiggle and writhe in an effervescent frenzy, the rest of the team gather round you and chant ‘Dance fishboy, dance’ while poking you with snorkels. I’ve seen it done, and let me tell you it isn’t pretty.

This month, though, I’m going to tackle one of the big issues. It’s not a life-and-death thing, it’s just something that most of us have an opinion on. The point is this: having dived for a long time now, and seen divers old and young, good and bad, I can tell you that the qualifying agency makes not a jot of difference. The badge on the suit is irrelevant, it’s all about the person in the suit.

There are a couple of caveats to this. You wouldn’t want to dive with a rebreather, penetrate a cave, or conduct complex mixed-gas dives without training from the relevant agency. I’m talking about normal diving here – what the majority of us do day, in day out.

Speak to any dive guide or expedition leader, and they’ll tell you the one thing that makes their heart sink is when a diver flourishes a logbook the size of, well, a great big log. When a diver’s jacket is festooned with florid badges, and the aura around them is one of the Obi-Wan of diving, then bad things always seem to happen over the next few dives. Yoda-style diving status – be it in BSAC, PADI, CMAS, SAA – means nothing to most dive guides until they see that person in the water. Just as having only ten dives also means nothing – the proof of the pudding is in the diving.

The worst, most inept diver I’ve ever come across held several ninja-level instructional qualifications with a certain agency. He was magnificently crap, and seemed to feel that the feverish collection of qualifications and certificates made him competent. He was a woeful diver, a one-man wrecking ball on the reef and a hopelessly self-obsessed buddy. On the same project was a lady with only 15 dives who was a dream to dive with – calm, competent, thoughtful; a brilliant buddy who we all fought over at the start of each day.

Of course, there is nothing wrong with doing courses and gaining qualifications – it’s great fun and adds to your skills as a diver. It’s just that the basic core skills of any diver are so much more than a learned set of responses and drills – they are the attitude of that diver, their common sense when things go pear-shaped, their humility and willingness to listen to others and to learn on every dive. A diver, regardless of their experience or where they qualify, should have the common sense to do some sort of ‘acquaintance’ dive when they arrive somewhere new, and to listen to those around them who know that place. If that environment is beyond them, they should train accordingly. This decision is made by a human being, regardless of agency.

I’ve found that the really experienced divers are all very open to new knowledge. Fabien Cousteau, Mike de Gruy, Phil Short – you only have to chat to them for a few minutes to realise that these guys are very happy to learn something new on every dive, and have great humility at any new location. The more they dive, they realise that the less they know.

So, all you badge-sporting, narrow-minded, pompous, bilious, overblown, all-other-agencies-are-rubbish berks – it’s the person in the suit, not the badge on the suit that counts. Got that? Good.

Right, I must dash, as the editor is calling me. Something about a pressurised container…